"Don't be here in ten years." – The Factory Line

Posts tagged “Satire

A Letter to my 20s. (Sound Advice For Aspiring Writers)

A letter to my 20’s.

So, you’ve got guts and you’ve got a drive that no one in the world but you can understand. You have found your voice and wrote about what you knew then wrote about what you didn’t know shit about and then wrote some more and then again.
Amazing! Congratulations. You’re on the fast track to take over the literary world and shake things up, smash the walls, to hell with conventions and all hail the great (Canadian) writer.

Now that was cute, it is. The right word is…cute. So let me give you some advice while I can.

Because I’m 35 now and, well, here are three truths you could have learned at an earlier age and save yourself some pain of learning them later and then admitting to yourself in a very public post just how wrong you were back in the days.

You will need an editor.

You’re not that good. You’re not that bad either, but you’re definitely not that good. Sure you can fool yourself into thinking no one has ever written prose the way you handle it, and maybe you did find a voice that was sorta, kinda, maybe unique to you.
Yay!

You still suck enough to need an editor. Not that you don’t write well, but there’s bullshit up in there, there’s filler and god forbid you EVER make a typo, right?

You will need an editor. Not just any editor, someone whom you respect and will call you on your crap. And you will send them your book thinking, “this is soooooo close to finished,” and when the manuscript will come back, you’re gonna want to quit the life altogether.

“That’s it,” you’ll think. “I’m done with this shit. Never again. Why did I bother in the first place?” You’ll mope around, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days. Some of these pages weren’t as good as you thought they were.

And then you’ll get back to work, and maybe 90% of editorial comments will make it into your book, making it a much, much better book.

At one point you’ll learn to appreciate this process. You’ll do a lot more editing yourself and when you’re done with it, you’ll happily send it to someone you respect and tell them, “go ahead, massacre me.”

That’s how a book makes it from good to great (Thank BEN!)

You will follow the rules.

I know. I know. You’re still punk in your heart and following the rules is for suckers. But punk only really has three chords and maybe five songs when you really think about it, so what the fuck are you complaining about with rules.

So you will diligently use he said, she said. You will avoid adverbs at all costs and you will structure you writing.

Sure, that free verse poetry is fine and all. It’s cute. You’ll probably never write a Petrarchan Sonnet. But 90000 words don’t come so easy as some spur of the moment snowflake in a beautiful winter storm.

You want that shit to make sense, you better structure it. And guess what, people much smarter than you and much older than you already had figured it out hundreds of years before you walked this earth.

Of course the rebel in you will cringe at this, but let me tell you, and you’ll hate me for this, but the time you’re 35, you’ll be writing a five tome series where each book will be a cog in the Shakespearean five act tragedy structure (boring, right?) and each book is individually organized as a three act structure so that the reader will want to keep reading your shit. (Don’t worry you’ll still get to swear as much as you want.)

You will want a publishing deal.

Finally, you’re gonna want a publishing deal.

I know. You wrote against ANY PUBLISHING DEAL and about how the publishing industry was BULLSHIT and DEAD, so FUCKING DEAD. That was so very punk of you. You wrote that so many years ago in a VERY ANGRY post that managed to land on Huffington post that one time (so un-punk) but thankfully in French, and now every time you google yourself (you’ll do that too) it’s one of the first links up there and you just want to shoot yourself in the face. Or not.

This one’s not ENTIRELY black or white. One thing is for sure: don’t EVER sign a non-compete clause. Those are just bullshit and should belong to the past or a ditch somewhere north of Mont-Laurier.

You see, publishing houses are like people. Some are nice, some are assholes, indies can be both and majors, well, maybe. I don’t fucking know. But you’ve met great indies that offered super fair deals and shitty indies that could go fuck themselves and go bankrupt.

Still, YOU WILL WANT A PUBLISHING DEAL.

A nice one, from a good indie that cares about their writer and you’ve luckily met at least three of them in your short career, so keep hope.

Because you can’t do everything yourself. You really can’t. You’re terrible at selling your own shit. No one single person can properly handle the writing, the editing, the cover, the distribution, getting you to conventions or book fairs and handle publicity on your shit.

You’ll do a lot of that, don’t get me wrong, you’ll do a lot of everything. But you need help, especially you, my twenty-something me.

Besides, you’ll realize soon enough that even assholes aren’t always assholes. Work in this industry long enough, you’ll realize the margins are so thin and the risks are so great, it’s actually hard for anyone to make money in this business.

That’s it. For now at least.

Keep cursing like a sailor, some people actually seem to enjoy that.

Take care,

Your mid 30’s self.

P.S. You will unknowingly fall asleep ten feet away from Harlan Coben on a mezzanine seat of the Orpheum theatre in New-Orleans during your very first convention because you couldn’t afford a second night in a hotel room. Tell you all about THAT some other time.

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Bookporn – I Realized my Top Shelf Is Actually Pretty Awesome

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I was cleaning up around the corner and took a minute to take a look at the good old bookshelf as I was shoving the “Minions Operation” on top of the shelf. I realized my top shelf was pretty good and simply felt like sharing it with the internet. And quite frankly, with the loads of crap running around the web, I think we could all use a bit of smart reading for a change.

 

From left to right, front to back :

Eldridge Cleaver – Soul On Ice

Ray Bradbury – Farenheit 451

Sun Tzu – The Art of War

Collectif  – Le Refus Global

George Orwell – 1984

Faulkner – The Portable

Kevin Toolis – Rebel Hearts, Journeys in the IRA’s Soul

Thomas King – Medicine River

Joseph Heller – Catch 22

Henry Rollins – The Portable Henry Rollins

Charles Bukowski – Post Office

James Baldwin – Giovanni’s Room

Charles Yale Harrison – Generals Die in Bed

Charles Bukowski – Hot Water Music

Beth Lahickey – All ages – Reflections on Straight Edge

Chuck Palahniuk – Fight Club

Maya Angelou – Tant que je serai noire.

Haruki Murakami – 1Q84

Ernesto Che Guevara – La Guerre de Guérilla

Collective – We Owe You Nothing – The Punk Planet Collected Interviews

Henry Miller – The Tropic of Cancer

Faulkner – As I Lay Dying

Truman Capote – In Cold Blood

Truman Capote – Breakfast at Tiffanys

 

It’s also uncanny how much that photo is representative of my writing style and political views : lots of satire, plenty of punk/hardcore, a bit of literary and a bit of noir, enough minority rights to be aware of things going on in society, some military strategy and distopian novels, completed by a heavy dose of working class books.

 

Perhaps missing from this image but among my favorite works :

David Fennario – On The Job

David Fennario – Balconville

William S. Burroughs – Naked Lunch

Dennis Lehane – Mystic River

 

 


The Seven Universal Laws of Children.

The first three Universal Laws of Children define when a child will get up early.

1-      Your kid will always get up at five in the morning when you decided it was ok to go to bed after 11 the day before.

2-      Your kid will always get up at five in the morning if you were sick the night before.

3-      Your kid will always get up at five in the morning if you hoped to have sex that very same morning.

Inversely, the next three laws define when your child will get up late.

4-       Your kid will always get up late the morning you forgot to put on the alarm, thus making you late for work.

5-      Your kid will always get up late in the morning if you had something great planned for that very morning. (Sledding, the zoo, pancakes…)

6-      Your kid will always get up late if you hoped to give her a bath in the morning because she said she was too tired for one last night.

The Seventh universal law defines the only time your kid will ever get up when you want her to get up.

7-      Your kid will get up on time if, an only if, it is a fucking Tuesday and you went to bet at 9h30pm the “night” before after watching half (and only half) a shitty movie on Netflix. (thus, making your life a sad, sad little thing in the meantime.)