I had to dissapear for a while.

There is this growl, this grinding noise inside of me that goes from my heart to the back of my head and I am fighting it with everything I got but it is tiring and devastating.

It started in november and we are in April and although I “understand” it now, it still finds it’s way over me every now and then.

Trying to find the right meds for it is a nightmare too. People telling just “fix your life, fix your life.” like my life has a problem. Like I “chose” for this to take over.

My life is fine on every aspect I have control over.
I got my job I got my art, my writing… vegetarian for almost 20 years, sober 20 years too. A homeowner, managed to put myself through college and a proud father of two. Up at 6h30 in the morning with the energy to conquer the world and then the noise starts.

Just the fucking noise! I can’t shake the fucking growl inside of me sometimes. It hits me with a single moment of doubt and it spins and it takes everything I got to keep it from taking over… I do the meditating, I rest, I do sports, I go for a walk…it’s just exhausting.

My dad says I can just choose to be ok. My mom is terrified ill be an addict if I take meds.

20 years sober and Id be an addict because I might (just might) need long term medication. We’re still not sure what to do with me exactly. It’s a long process for sure.

I’ve isolated myself from social media because I used to bite the hook at everything they were showing me and it was frustrating how efficient they were at getting me to click.

That came at the cost of losing contact with a handful of people I cared reading about (renee, ben, sam, john, peter, vero, steph, francis…a handful of others…)

Facebook did create a very fluid communications platform. A few weeks off of it now and I’m willing to accept how efficient it has become.

I kinda wish they fix their shit now. Why do they clickbait us, try to decide what we will see or not and that whole elections meddling fiasco too… I used to only see what my friends were up to and there was a little bit of publicity and that was ok.

Things have gone too far for me right now…Im a hypersensitive anxious guy and it was too much for me till I find my voice again. The whole big brother thing also comes into conflict with my values but losing contact with a few people I cared about is real…

I don’t expect many peole to read this but it’s my plateform for now. It will be untill the noise dissipates.

Take care.