As Sleep Won’t Even Let me in its Heart.

A year ago,

On this very day,

My life collapsed,

As my (now) ex-wife

was busy with another man

At a Christmas party

Other than her family’s own.


Now, I am here, in my home,

Without my daughters for the holidays

For the first time

And the pain is more than I had expected

Or hoped for

Prayed for, maybe

During a moment of wishful thinking


But now there are no tasks to keep me busy

No gyms to go to

Or work to be done

Or friends to have over

And feel the sadness of the world with me.


Maybe in time

This season of greetings

Will know a place in my heart again

But for now I find no reason to cheer.


I was a father and a husband

But tonight, I am nothing

Absolutely nothing



I am neither



Or even lover,


Not even a lover.


I am none of these things that made my life worth living

And I am feeling it more than I’d care to admit.


So I turn to the word

Once more,

And time again.

The only way, it seems,

I know how to deal with these moments.


And I am so tired of this

Tired of it

Tired of writing about it

But it is my only escape.


I know nothing else

As sleep won’t even let me in it’s heart.


“Holy night.

Saviour’s birth

Long lay the world in sin.”