The Seven Universal Laws of Children.
The first three Universal Laws of Children define when a child will get up early.
1- Your kid will always get up at five in the morning when you decided it was ok to go to bed after 11 the day before.
2- Your kid will always get up at five in the morning if you were sick the night before.
3- Your kid will always get up at five in the morning if you hoped to have sex that very same morning.
Inversely, the next three laws define when your child will get up late.
4- Your kid will always get up late the morning you forgot to put on the alarm, thus making you late for work.
5- Your kid will always get up late in the morning if you had something great planned for that very morning. (Sledding, the zoo, pancakes…)
6- Your kid will always get up late if you hoped to give her a bath in the morning because she said she was too tired for one last night.
The Seventh universal law defines the only time your kid will ever get up when you want her to get up.
7- Your kid will get up on time if, an only if, it is a fucking Tuesday and you went to bet at 9h30pm the “night” before after watching half (and only half) a shitty movie on Netflix. (thus, making your life a sad, sad little thing in the meantime.)